Sometimes in a relationship we begin to feel like we are "in a rut", yearn for the way we once felt with our partner, or have a vague sense of boredom. These unsettling feelings of discontent are difficult to understand as to how they happened and how to change them. In order to get a handle on these feelings (or prevent them from arising - which is my preference) we need a framework that makes sense to us. This gives a modicum of context for otherwise nebulous feelings that we can talk about, measure, and adjust! I realize that those who are perfectly in touch with their feelings don't need this kind of crutch - but I certainly do and I'm sure I'm not alone.
When talking about dating there is first the assumption on my part that it is occurring. If you are in a relationship and not spending time with your significant other on what you both call "dates" then you should reconsider this omission! A relationship must return to and rely upon it's root if it is to survive. And for most of us the roots of our relationships are based on spending time with each other - usually in the form of dating. Ignore the roots of your relationship and you'll quickly find that it dries up and withers away.
To my way of thinking there are two aspects of a date that are easy to measure and give us useful data: the level of planning that went into the date's preparation and the level of intensity of the date itself. I have arranged these areas in the chart below.
The intensity of a date is very subjective, with the participants of the date likely ranking it differently at least some of the time. From least intense to most intense the levels are: Relaxed, Mild, Tangy, Spicy, and Hot. This is pure chemistry. There is no way to guarantee results beforehand, and you want to avoid huge disparities in how intense you both feel the date is while you are on it. The idea is to come together on dates, not just be together - feeling totally different things in close proximity to one another!
Level of Planning
Although it is generally easy to see how much time and effort went into planning a date, the levels at which that time is considered one of these labels is going to vary quite a bit. For example, one couple may feel that anything like calling in reservations a week in advance is massive, while others may feel that this is only minimal. It is possible that you and your partner will feel differently about how much time suits each label.
In addition to the subjectivity of what each label means, the amount of time may have emotional attachment as well for one or both of you. One person may feel that a massive amount of time spent in preparation for a date means that the date is artificial or contrived, while another may feel that the time spent shows attentiveness and a focus on the relationship. Good communication is the key to figuring out what is wanted and what is meant.
Retro-active
Anytime you are at the end of an activity with your best friend and then say, "Hey, let's call this a date." Sometimes the strangest things will get transformed into dates in this way.
Why is it great? Because a date is just around the corner - if you will just keep an eye out for it!
Spontaneous
When you just get up and go. A single question like, "Hey, wanna' go see a movie?" is the totality of the planning required.
Why is it great? This kind of date shows that the first thing on your mind is being together!
Minimal
A few things are laid out beforehand in order to make the date possible. This might include finding babysitters, making reservations, buying tickets, getting dressed fancy, etc.
Why is it great? This level of planning opens new vistas in your dating landscape that aren't possible otherwise!
Moderate
The effort spent in preparing for the date is significant and can be a part of the fun. Renting special items or clothing, creative methods of asking or accepting the date, arranging for photos during the event, etc.
Why is it great? These dates are fun from start to finish!
Massive
A huge amount of time or effort is required to make the date possible. This may include organizing a city-wide scavenger hunt, planning a vacation together, hosting a party, etc.
Why is it great? Memorable and once-in-a-lifetime dates are made this way!
Level of Intensity
Some people may think that by intensity I am referring to the amount of physical fun that happens on the date between the couple, but that's only partially correct. Intensity can be emotional, physical, mental, or spiritual. It means great energy, strength, excitement, or concentration in a high or even extreme degree.
At various times, intensity may be desired, but at other times a couple goes on a date to lower the intensity they feel in their lives or with each other. Like the aspect of planning, this is not a range of bad to good - merely a classification of what happened or what is desired.
Relaxed
Specifically geared to bringing the level of intensity in your lives down a notch or two. Feeling good, no drama, taking it easy, and moving slow are the names of the game.
Why is it great? Relaxing with each other will carry over so that just being together will be relaxing!
Mild
Good clean fun with no strings attached. A great time for innocent amounts of flirting and plenty of laughs.
Why is it great? Who doesn't like laughing with friends?
Tangy
Lots of calm, but with a moment or two of serious intensity. Amusement parks are a good example - lots of walking around and eating, with a screaming good time on the roller coaster thrown in.
Why is it great? The intense moments give a focal point for the whole experience!
Spicy
A fair mix of intense experiences and mild ones. The transitions may be sudden or gradual depending on what you are doing.
Why is it great? The gaps in intensity give you time to catch your breath to better savor the rest of the date!
Hot
All intensity, all the time. This is the kind of date that leaves you wide-eyed and breathless. Glad you did it, and sometimes a bit glad that it's over, too.
Why is it great? Sharing in the intensity draws you tighter to each other!
Using the Dating Classification
Some fun can be had by each of you writing down what your favorite kind of date is on each axis and then sharing this information with each other. You might be surprised at what you both want in your dating - and with a bit of work you can even make this dating analysis into a date of its own! Over time what you like will change - because that's what people do: change. So revisit this grid periodically and talk about what kinds of things you'd like to try together.
Once you both have identified the kinds of date you most enjoy in both areas, you are ready to talk about it. Explain to each other why you like what you do as clearly as you can. If you have any negative feelings about some kinds of dates, be sure to make that clear as well! Better understanding what you both want will help make the dating experiences you share more enjoyable.
You could also put together a dating journal to keep track of each date, when it was, what you did, and it's ratings on each axis by the two of you. I would recommend you also record how much fun you each had on a scale of 1 to 10 overall. This dating journal will be fun to read later and it may be helpful when you are thinking about what kind of date you should go on next. You will see what kinds of dates have been the most fun, and spot areas that are too repetitive in order to avoid getting bored.
If you identify a kind of date that you have never been on together, then plan it (or not) and by all means give it a whirl! Trying new things on dates is a great way to stay connected with the constantly changing and growing relationship you share.
Spending time with your girlfriend, spouse, or lover is the most awesome thing ever! If it doesn't feel like it is or you you just don't agree, then think about this: It once was, or you wouldn't be together, and it can continue to be so with a little attention and care.
Don't miss out! Date!
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